Staggering in from the cold

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Re: Staggering in from the cold

Postby mission_survivor » Sun Oct 05, 2014 7:39 pm

flygirl wrote:...Share snippits on the forum if you can!


This is my re-edit pitch submission:

Mythologies have always been dismissed as fantasy or fable. But when Mankind
Most of my comments should be read with your best "BROCK SAMSON" voice. While others should be read with your best "CLINT EASTWOOD" voice. A few, and I mean a very few should be read with your best "JOE PESCI" voice.
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Re: Staggering in from the cold

Postby mission_survivor » Sun Oct 05, 2014 10:53 pm

This is the submitted excerpt/sample from Amazon

Mission Survival


Chapter 1
Most of my comments should be read with your best "BROCK SAMSON" voice. While others should be read with your best "CLINT EASTWOOD" voice. A few, and I mean a very few should be read with your best "JOE PESCI" voice.
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Re: Staggering in from the cold

Postby zombreach » Mon Oct 06, 2014 8:56 am

I read through your sample and really enjoyed the tension and pacing. It was well written and kept my interest. However, (if you don't mind a bit of criticism) the dialogue takes up a lot of the script. I think there needs to be more breaks in the conversation, adding detail on the area and the characters.

BTW, If you ever need help editing, I am a grammar Nazi. :BFG:
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Re: Staggering in from the cold

Postby Red Star » Sun Oct 19, 2014 11:56 am

Sorry I didn't post on this sooner. Interesting story, perhaps some of the info could have been revealed later on though. Not bad at all Sir, keep on it and enjoy being creative! :mrgreen:
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Re: Staggering in from the cold

Postby Kavorkian » Tue Feb 24, 2015 11:25 am

Okay so looked over you're sample like you asked and it's pretty good. A few things though

Marines in an operation like the one you describe would never get in a vehicle to get closer to their objective. There are too many liabilities. A vehicle is very easy to track, it's one big target, and the operators have absolutely no tactical awareness while riding in it. They would either get inserted closer to the objective or go on foot all the way. Also, under no circumstances would I allow an OGA's asset to be my driver or be involved at all. Again, too many liabilities. When it comes to planning something like this it's important to eliminate any unknown variables you can control. Unless the local has some extremely valuable info that requires him being there, it's not gonna happen.

Speaking of your OGA. In an operation like this, he would more than likely come from the CIA's special activities division and specifically from SOG. Think of them as the paramilitary arm of the CIA. These guys are almost exclusively recruited from Special Operations and tier 1 units like Delta and DEVGRU (Seal Team 6). That said, your character Dodd would have a lot of past experience in units similar to the Recon Marines and would not only integrate into the group well but understand the culture enough to know when guys would joke around to ease tension. In your chapter you're making him appear too much as an outsider with little understanding of the Marines. The Marines wouldnt refer to him as "Agent Dodd" either. It's usually just the first or last name and rarely would you expect it to be their real name. Anyone listening would learn a lot from just hearing "agent Dodd"

The other thing I noticed was the dialogue between the characters. Zombreach is right on the dialogue from the writers perspective but in terms of a military operation, there is way too much conversation. The closer to your target you get, the less you and your men would actually speak. SOCOM units spend countless hours training together. You get to the point you where you know your role and function as "one". Very little speaking is done when approaching a target because we all know what we're supposed to do.

Last two things. In their situation paracord wouldn't be used to restrain someone unless absolutely necessary. They would have with them disposable restraints. Especially if it's an operation to capture an individual. And finally, night vison would be used before any tactical lights. Lights work both ways. They reveal not only what your looking for but you as well. If a bad guy is hiding in the woods. The first thing he's take aim at is the bright shiny light.

Hope that helps.
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